My husband and I have known each other since we were 12. Well, sort of. We went to the same middle school and I “saw him around” the 6th grade hall. Him and his friends were always messing around. In 7th grade, we had an art class together. A girl at my table was “going out” with him, whatever that meant, but their relationship didn’t last very long before she dumped him. In 8th grade, I remember staring at the white board in my Spanish class at my future husband’s name that was written on the board. He wasn’t in my class, but there was just something about his name that stuck out. In 9th grade, we had Seminary together. I sat behind him due to our last names being close alphabetically. He was annoying and wouldn’t even turn around to pass papers back to me. He had a yellow and gray fuzzy vest that he wore everyday that I hated. In 10th grade I was chatting with a friend about crushes and she disclosed that she liked a certain boy (my future husband). He was in my Spanish class that year and I sat directly behind him, so told her I would see if he wanted to meet up at the football game with her! Well, he half committed and never showed up to one game. Later that school year, my mom was dropping me off for my first day of drivers ed. Just as I was about to get out of the car, a boy walked by and as we saw each other, the biggest grin came across his face. My mom said something like, “Did you see the smile on his face? Looks like he is excited to see you!” I think I said something like, “Oh, huh, I didn’t notice…” But I had. That boy became my best friend and eventually my husband.
I am currently taking a marriage class through BYU-Idaho. We are just starting to read the book, “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work”, by John Gottman. A year or two ago, I tried to read the book on my own, but was discouraged with the beginning and never finished it. I was discouraged because in the book the author tells of different situations where he has been able to predict whether a couple would stay together or get divorced. He tells of six signs that are indicators that things in a marriage are not going well. The 6 signs are: Harsh Start-up, The Four Horsemen, Flooding, Body Language, Failed Repair Attempts, and Bad Memories. Until starting this book again, I had forgot about all the signs except for The Four Horsemen. This is where I got hung-up before, because when I read about it, I felt like our marriage at the time had all four of them. The Four Horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. I stopped reading, I felt like we were doomed.
Our marriage has improved since that time, but I wish that I had continued to read John Gottman’s book because of what I read today. Gottman said that even in marriages where the Four Horsemen are present, that if a couple has a strong friendship, that they will most likely make it. Of marital friendships he said, ” Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship…a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” He said that, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”
I am grateful for the friendship that I have developed with my husband over the years. We have had many fights and disagreements, but he has always been my best friend. Marriage is hard. In another book I read for my class this week titled, “Drawing Heaving into Your Marriage”, author H. Wallace Goddard says:
“But what is God’s purpose for marriage? Did God design marriage as a refuge-a safe haven-from a troubled world? Or did He design marriage as a laboratory where each of us could conduct daily experiments in gospel living? Or did he design marriage as a spiritual challenge course to humble us, stretch us, and refine us? Yes, to all of the above…marriage is sometimes a refuge from the storm. At other times marriage is the storm…”
There is no one I would rather weather the storms of life with than my husband.
Brick by Brick 