This week is Valentine’s. My husband and I never go on a date for the actual day and we rarely do anything “romantic” for it at all. This will be our 14th married Valentine’s together. I do confess to being cranky in the past about the lack of romance my husband in particular puts towards these types of occasions. What woman doesn’t want a dozen roses and a fancy candle-lit dinner? The only candle-lit Valentine’s dinner we have ever had was in our first year of marriage. I made artichokes and my husband cooked steak. I also made us a chocolate cake. It was lovely.
13 years later, we are still happily married despite the lack of the special romantic evenings I had dreamed of before we got married. While those types of occasions are nice, it is not what makes a lasting and strong marriage. This week I was reading part of a book called, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, for the class I am taking at BYU-Idaho. This week I read about love maps and what they mean for a marriage. A love map is a, “term for the part of your brain where you store all of the relevant information about your partner’s life…(couples) remember major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.” The importance of a love map is that it helps couples weather the storms and changes of life. Author Dr. John M. Gottman stated that, “Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.” One thing that I learned about love maps, is that if you don’t have a strong love map right now, that it is something you can work on and strengthen. Getting to know your spouse better will strengthen and fortify your marriage.
I wasn’t even sure if my husband and I had a “strong love map” anymore. Luckily, in the marriage class I am taking along with reading Dr. Gottman’s book, we were also assigned to complete some of the exercises in one of the chapters. In chapter 5 of “The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work”, it focuses on nurturing fondness and admiration of each other. As my husband and I went through and discussed the exercises together, it brought smiles to both of our faces as we expressed love and appreciation for each other. I look forward to completing more of the exercises and strengthening our “love map” and marriage.
I know that working on strengthening a marriage can be difficult and awkward at first sometimes. Making a marriage work isn’t always about the big events that happen, but often just all the little things put together each day that make up a lifetime together.
Brick by Brick 