My mom used to sing the song, “There’s a Hole in My Bucket” often when I was a little girl. Instead of singing it “dear Liza”, she sang it “dear Alice”, like my Grandpa Henry did. He passed away when I was three so it is a good memory that reminded me of him. If you know the whole song, the couple that is singing is solving the problem of the hole in the bucket. It is kind of a silly example, but I like how even though it is something so simple, they both spoke kindly to one another, especially the wife. It is an example of turning towards one another instead of turning away.
In Dr. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, ” he explains that turning towards your spouse in small ways is much important than large gestures. He said that: “Turning toward each other is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are…For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship.”
In marriage, couples make what Dr. Gottman calls “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support. He says,” bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.”
Sometimes bids for attention can be disguised because they are said with anger or a negative emotion. It is hard to see that the other person is making a bid when things start off harshly. Dr. Gottman suggests to, “pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words. Then, focus on the bid, not the delivery.”
This past week I have been focusing on turning towards my spouse and recognizing his “bids” for attention. I also have been trying to see the bids my children make as well. The bids I have noticed have been mainly needing more one on one time with me. I get so busy that I forget to take time for my husband or each if my kids individually. Everyone in our lives make bids for something they need from us. I have enjoyed paying closer attention to this part of daily interaction and I have seen improvement in my relationships as I have taken more time to focus on each person individually.
In the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” by H. Wallace Goddard, it has a good example of what turning towards each other is: “As we turn from the ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness.”
I know that turning towards my spouse can and does strengthen our marriage. I am not perfect but I will continue to strive to respond positively to his bids for attention by turning towards him, even if he has a list of silly questions about fixing the hole in a bucket.
Brick by Brick 