This week in the marriage class I am taking at BYU-Idaho, I spent the week reading about problems that arise in marriage. In one book we are reading, “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman said:
“We have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into one of two categories: either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another.”
Dr. Gottman then explained that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the “perpetual” category. I reflected a lot this week on my marriage and the struggles and triumphs we have had. There have been many resolvable issues and some perpetual ones. We have had conflicts that have spanned the years of our entire marriage. It is kind of embarrassing to admit that, but I don’t mind, because I have learned a lot from it and I think my husband would say so as well. I think one thing we have both really struggled with and the hardest to learn, is how to forgive, which I think is the ultimate key for making a marriage work.
Part of this week’s readings in my class included a General Conference talk by Elder James E. Faust titled, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”. In part of his talk he said:
“Forgiveness if freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.”
Forgiving my spouse of the things he has done, big or small, has taken a long time to learn how to do, and I am still learning with some things. I know that I have worn my hurt as a badge of pride almost, expecting to be treated different somehow because I thought my husband was the one in the wrong. What I learned was that it didn’t help anything and most of all, it only made me more bitter, resentful and angry. Elder Faust said:
“We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us ‘to forgive all men’..It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge.”
Becoming humble enough to stop being angry and resentful towards a spouse who has hurt you is hard, but like Elder Faust spoke of, you don’t have to do it alone. By asking for help from above, the healing power of the Atonement can heal all wounds. I have seen it happen in my own life and marriage. One of my favorite quotes in regards to the Atonement of Jesus Christ is from a BYU Devotional by Brad Wilcox who said, “Jesus doesn’t make up the difference, Jesus makes all the difference.”
Brick by Brick 