I just finished reading two books for my Marriage class I am taking at BYU-Idaho. The first one was “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John M. Gottman. This week I learned about gridlock in marriage and how to overcome it. Gridlock happens when couples have irreconcilable differences and they can’t find a way to accommodate those differences. Gottman explained that you know are in gridlock if you, “have the same argument again and again with no resolution, neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection, the issue becomes more polarized over time and lastly if compromise seems impossible…(like you are) giving up something important and core to your beliefs.” The thing I learned about gridlock is that you don’t have to solve the problem to get past it. Dr. Gottman said that, ” the goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.” He said that in order to get out of gridlock, “you have to understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged or doesn’t respect.”
The second book I finished for my class this week was “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by Dr. HW Goddard. The final chapter in the book was about charity. He explained that one of the most important qualities we need to have is charity. Charity may be the most important quality we can have in a marriage or any relationship. Charity comes from Christ and we have charity as we learn to love as He does. Dr. Goddard said, “As we feel the love from Him and for Him, we naturally love like Him.”
Taking the two final concepts from what I read this week, gridlock and charity go hand in hand. Charity is what can open the gates of gridlock. Instead of getting caught up with arguments and issues that we cannot get past by ourselves, we can call upon the Savior to help us have charity. Dr. Goddard said, “At every critical juncture we can choose compassion…understanding, patience, and personal growth.”
It is hard to have charity when we are wrapped up in a blanket of hurt and negativity. When we forget to take time to see our spouse in a positive light, forgetting their good qualities, and highlighting their bad, we only see them as selfish and uncaring. The problem with gridlock is that we think that we have to have everything “just right” and fix the problem to get over it. Some problems are small and silly such as who should have done the dishes or can be heartbreakingly devastating such as infidelity or pornography usage. That is where charity comes in. That is where the Atonement of Christ can help people heal past wounds. We simply cannot do somethings by ourselves and need to call upon the Savior for help.
So how do we get charity? The answer in Dr. Goddard’s book is:
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ…Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah.”
There was a time in my marriage that I had to ask for that healing power of Christ’s Atonement to help me be able to see my husband with the eyes of Christ. It was hard to ask for that help, but when I finally did, I was blessed to be able to see him for the great person that he is and the potential that he has.
Charity comes into marriage as we strive to see our partner for their best self, not their worst. It is seeing them as through the eye’s of Christ. We can overcome gridlock and hurt in a marriage as we strive to have charity. As we become better at giving each other the blessing of love, forgiveness and charity, marriages and lives will be strengthened.
Brick by Brick 